uhm, not much.

uhm, not much. | Indie Spirit by Augustin Ra

It's been minutes since I started staring at this blank canvas waiting to be filled with my words. I have plans on sharing what's happening to my life lately especially the past few weeks since 2021 started but somehow, I'm out of words and at the same time, pretty excited that I'd go word-vomiting all over this space. 

So here it goes. 

What goals am I aiming for? 

I bet the majority of the population all over the world were able to make a number of goals before 2020 ended and started 2021 with a determined spirit to achieve the goals they've set for the new year but guess what, we're already on the second month and going third to this year, and I still don't have any ideas what to set for myself. I don't want to be a person that goes with the flow and really aims for something but when the pandemic happened and the rejections I got from 2020 until this month, dreaming these days feels more of a lost battle. It feels more of a dream than picturing myself living the life I want. I know that I shouldn't lose hope but right now, that's what I feel and I'm hoping I'd be able to get outside from this rotten place. 

So yeah, I still have no goals. I guess reading 30 books this year could count as one but I'm still on my second book so yeah, you could say that I am somehow demotivated despite my cheery appearance. Maybe that's a talent. 

Oh well.

I tried to apply for different positions here in the company aiming for a greener pasture or for the sake of getting more experiences that I could learn from and add to my curriculum vitae but I was rejected multiple times because I'd be utilized and optimized more in my current department. This has been a battle for me if I should share about this or not because it's work-related but it's too awful to keep to myself. One told me to aim high when I was applying for a job with the same level as mine and before this hiring, I applied for higher positions and got rejected right away. Isn't that aiming high if aiming high for that person is about a higher position and power? What if the high that I want isn't the same as his? Would I be considered as someone low just because I am chasing a different kind of high? Of course not. It's sad to say that some consider fame, power, and the title as something more worthy than anything else. 

I was also advised that I should be more and can be more but how can I do more when I don't feel that I could do anything more for myself that could contribute to a bigger population? With this, I felt that I don't have any value to give and lost confidence to defend myself because what's the point of defending myself to give justice to the reasons and thoughts in my mind when I'm already rejected? Would it change to "You're hired and we'll just reject the other candidate?" It'd be such a huge no. So why bother? 

No news is still news and when a week passed by without it, I was already moving forward. By Monday, I received the rejection email. By Tuesday, I read the announcement of the newly hired. By Wednesday, someone talked to me that totally lost my confidence and saw me getting more stuck. My boyfriend and I were on a motorcycle ride on the way home and he asked me if I'm okay and with that, I started sobbing. No one would see my tears because of the helmet so I just cried. 

However, it's not a bad life, just a bad week. I don't have much of a choice but to move forward like nothing happened and pick me up through motivating quotes and all which Pinterest offers with abundance. Now, I'm okay that I'm still on my job with new added responsibilities that I hope I can master soon. 

New phone 

I've been postponing my plan of having a new phone because I still have one that works fine despite the lack of cool features. My mindset was as long as I can use it for communication purposes, then, I'm good. But then, I got stressed every time I can't take a good picture of something or even a decent selfie so that pushed me to do an upgrade as much as possible. Although, the thing is I never imagined I'd be buying a phone beyond my usual budget. So on Valentine's day, I got myself a Vivo V20 which was released last year and it has nice specs that were worth the money. 

New theme

I haven't counted how many years already passed since I've been using my old blog's theme and back then, I didn't want to buy anything for my blog even a domain because of how inactive I am here. But hey, I'm blogging again and that's a huge improvement considering my weekly updates so I rewarded the blog a new look. I'm so thankful to the Etsy community for giving me plenty of choices to choose from that are within my budget. 

Currently reading

I'm currently reading J.K. Rowling's 'Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix' and this is the second time that I am reading the series. I started it last year when the year was about to end and with all what's happening around the world, I thought reading something comforting and fun would make me happy and that's how I'd feel every time I pick up my Kindle and start reading a chapter or two. It reminds me the little kid in me and there are even times that I'd laugh during my commute on the way to work because that's how fun the series is to me. 

I looked for a Kindle copy of  'Bear Town' by Fredrik Backman yesterday and added it to my library. I'm planning to read it this year when I stumbled upon a YT video and a blog post discussing it so it seems promising. If you've ever read the book, let me know. I'd love to hear your thoughts without spoiling me at the same time. Haha!

Feeling blessed

While I'm busy putting my thoughts here, my boyfriend is currently cooking our dinner and I'm lucky to have someone who let me use his computer so I wouldn't miss a week not updating this blog. I'm happy that I have someone who pushes and supports me to do the things that I have to do to pursue my passion. A while ago, he asked me how's my writing so far and was amazed that I was already halfway through this post. I have a cheerleader. 

I also had an unexpected Valentine's date with him. We cooked breakfast together and danced to some of the songs on the playlist I made for him when we started dating almost two years ago. We bought the new phone I was talking about here and I was so giddy that I've kept on telling him that 'wow, this is what you feel when you really have an expensive phone huh'. Haha! 

Well done! 

So when the quarantine started, my department gave me a new job so I am handling two jobs at work at the moment. Although, I haven't mastered all of the tasks to do on the new field but based from what the people from the government are saying, they appreciated what I was doing on a weekly basis. I was just doing my job and they appreciated it to the point they told my boss of this huge improvement from us. It felt nice and motivating. 

I can say that this is just a start of the many life updates that I'll be posting here on the blog. I used to love writing this kind of posts on the blog back then to connect with friends and readers. With my career, I'm not in a hurry to be promoted but what I'm looking for is the growth and the burning desire that my soul craves but in a sense that I don't want to glorify business in the corporate world or life in general as something that my life greatly depends on. I think that life doesn't have to fully revolve around it because there's more outside and I'm still growing. Maybe I just miss the grind that my body used to when I was in college and with that, I felt validated. I think I'm a bit lost with this adulting thing but hey, I'm trying. We all are. We'll find our purpose whatever that is. 

How's your life lately?

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